Before cancer, I was worried about living too long...we're a very long lived bunch, so I needed to have resources to last to age 95. And, since I expected to live long past 65, dreams were deferred, held in abeyance, kept in my hope chest awaiting those long years of retirement.
After cancer, my future is one day, one treatment cycle, long. Never mind what I'll do in my 90's, what can I manage to do this hour, day, or week? But I no longer worry about outliving my savings.
Before cancer, I worked long hours doing whatever needed doing, confident I could power through any momentary tiredness.
After cancer, I conserve energy, hoping to get an entire gate painted in one session, knowing I'll need a nap immediately after.
Before cancer, life was about doing things, going places, outward focused. After cancer life is inward focused, about being, experiencing the moment with more intensity, experiencing relationships, reconnecting with family, soaking up the love of friends.
Before and after, life is about choices...of people. actions, experiences. But after cancer, the choices are scarier, more exciting because more critical, and more intensely, authentically mine.
Before cancer, I had responsibilities.
After cancer, I'm free.
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