Anniversary Issues

Originally written in October, 1985 for RECONCILE, the newsletter of Lutherans Concerned Chicago


This month Doug and I celebrate our 15th Anniversary of life together. In keeping with the current Evangelical Lutheran Church in America definition of gay love, we date our anniversary from our first orgasm together, rather than from when we decided to make a commitment to each other. But however you figure it, I'm amazed that it's been 15 years. I don't know what's made it work, but I do have a "felt-sense" about all this which I'd like to share with you.

SHOCK is my first reaction. "How did it get to be 15 years already?" It seems like just last week we were having beers at Broadway Sam's and lamenting over our siblings' table manners. Now, suddenly, we have a house, a dog, mutual friends, and a whole pattern of life together. Fifteen years ago we couldn't imagine what sharing our lives would be like. Today we can't imagine what not sharing would be like.

SECURITY is another reaction. This one is bone deep. I am loved and loving. I am not alone as I face life's challenges. For me the image of Christ as Lover is vividly incarnate in the love and acceptance I find at home. Over the years we've fought and loved enough that we've come to terms with the fact that we are who we are. I know that he will never be able to find things in the fridge, and he knows that I'll always hate working on cars. We also both know that our relationship is resilient enough for us to have a serious fight about something and still come out o.k. at the other end.

MEMORIES flood back as I think on this: Our first apartment together, and the night the dog rolled on the honey jar and then tried to shake it oft. Buying our first house, and building the hot tub. The first Christmas with my family after our relationship was out in the open; the his & his gifts we received from my siblings that year. Memories of hard times and the loss of friends. Memories of punks throwing rocks at us outside a gay bar. Memories of taking Doug to a Lutheran church on the Sunday the pastor decided to preach against homosexuals (so much for evangelism). Lots of quiet, nurturing memories of Doug's Saturday brunches, and coming home after a long day to find homemade stew waiting. Warm arms embracing me at night when I wake from a bad dream. A lot of what has made this relationship so spectacular for us has been very mundane. Many of God's blessings are.

Lots of those memories involve other PEOPLE: friends like Michael, MaryKay, Bill & Dennis; hundreds of folks from Lutherans Concerned; Maywood House Church; friends needing help, and helping friends. For us, at least, this wasn't a two-person event. It took the involvement and support of family and friends to maintain us. I'm grateful for them.

The CHANGES in the community at large are striking. In 1973, we knew one other gay couple. They'd been together three years. In the gay male community, being in a relationship was hardly politically correct. Many were advocating single promiscuity as the correct gay response to straight marriages. Many of those in couples (gay or lesbian) were still heavily into role playing, with one clearly the husband and the other clearly the wife. Our models for a life together were limited, flawed, and not even supported among gays and lesbians. Dignity was just starting, Lutherans Concerned didn't exist, Chicago Gay Alliance was beginning to collapse and Horizons not yet begun. If you wanted to meet gay people, you went to bars, baths and bushes. Now there are many organizations and places to meet. Coupledom is on the rise, and there are multiple models for relationships. Some people in the church are sanctioning Blessed Unions. Couples today have a host of new options and a host of new models.

I'm PROUD of the life Doug and I have built together. That life includes the relationship between the two of us, but is also inextricably involved in the life of the church and of the lesbian and gay community. I'm proud of how we have contributed to the growth of options.
What comes in the next fifteen years? God only knows. More changes, more growth, of that I'm sure. If we had kids they'd be just emerging into adulthood. The U.S. is a better place for our lesbian and gay youth now than it was fifteen years ago. How is it going to be in fifteen more years? Will he still love me when he's old and gay? Will he have learned how to do the ironing?

Job survives the first year in San Diego

Well, I've been here a year.

I survived the broken collar bone
I survived my Ex's brain injury and related business and family craziness.
I managed to obtain individual health insurance, despite the best efforts of the insurance and medical establishment to not treat me. And only $650/month, such a deal!
I survived the October fires, and my lungs recovered
I made it through my first Chorus concert, even if I was medicated to the eyeballs and basically deaf.
I got my car smashed up, dealt with the aftermath, and got it fixed
My insurance company, finally, this week, agreed that I'd sold the Chicago home last year and refunded the premium they mistakenly deducted.
Oh, and the dog died.

You just gotta laugh. This is as much drama as a daytime soap opera. Any time now I expect to discover that my long lost brother (that I never knew about) has had a sex change operation while in prison in Mexico and now wants to marry me. Hey, this is Hollywood territory.

Goals for the next year:

1. Get some income
2. Get a place to live
3. Get some friends
4. Get healthy...fewer respiratory infections, more activity, less depression.
5. Get a boyfriend.

So, no big plans. :)

Seriously never expected it to take this long and still not be at all settled. I am starting to make inroads with people met through the Chorus. And my volunteer work is going well and appreciated. I'm just running out of steam, between the years dealing with my Ex and then the breakup, and then this year. I need some fun times, and a good healthy dose of redecorating something. I can't even shop for tchotchkes...I have so many in storage, there will be more coming when the parents move to a senior facility, and I don't have any place to put the tchotchkes anyway.