Anniversary Issues

Originally written in October, 1985 for RECONCILE, the newsletter of Lutherans Concerned Chicago


This month Doug and I celebrate our 15th Anniversary of life together. In keeping with the current Evangelical Lutheran Church in America definition of gay love, we date our anniversary from our first orgasm together, rather than from when we decided to make a commitment to each other. But however you figure it, I'm amazed that it's been 15 years. I don't know what's made it work, but I do have a "felt-sense" about all this which I'd like to share with you.

SHOCK is my first reaction. "How did it get to be 15 years already?" It seems like just last week we were having beers at Broadway Sam's and lamenting over our siblings' table manners. Now, suddenly, we have a house, a dog, mutual friends, and a whole pattern of life together. Fifteen years ago we couldn't imagine what sharing our lives would be like. Today we can't imagine what not sharing would be like.

SECURITY is another reaction. This one is bone deep. I am loved and loving. I am not alone as I face life's challenges. For me the image of Christ as Lover is vividly incarnate in the love and acceptance I find at home. Over the years we've fought and loved enough that we've come to terms with the fact that we are who we are. I know that he will never be able to find things in the fridge, and he knows that I'll always hate working on cars. We also both know that our relationship is resilient enough for us to have a serious fight about something and still come out o.k. at the other end.

MEMORIES flood back as I think on this: Our first apartment together, and the night the dog rolled on the honey jar and then tried to shake it oft. Buying our first house, and building the hot tub. The first Christmas with my family after our relationship was out in the open; the his & his gifts we received from my siblings that year. Memories of hard times and the loss of friends. Memories of punks throwing rocks at us outside a gay bar. Memories of taking Doug to a Lutheran church on the Sunday the pastor decided to preach against homosexuals (so much for evangelism). Lots of quiet, nurturing memories of Doug's Saturday brunches, and coming home after a long day to find homemade stew waiting. Warm arms embracing me at night when I wake from a bad dream. A lot of what has made this relationship so spectacular for us has been very mundane. Many of God's blessings are.

Lots of those memories involve other PEOPLE: friends like Michael, MaryKay, Bill & Dennis; hundreds of folks from Lutherans Concerned; Maywood House Church; friends needing help, and helping friends. For us, at least, this wasn't a two-person event. It took the involvement and support of family and friends to maintain us. I'm grateful for them.

The CHANGES in the community at large are striking. In 1973, we knew one other gay couple. They'd been together three years. In the gay male community, being in a relationship was hardly politically correct. Many were advocating single promiscuity as the correct gay response to straight marriages. Many of those in couples (gay or lesbian) were still heavily into role playing, with one clearly the husband and the other clearly the wife. Our models for a life together were limited, flawed, and not even supported among gays and lesbians. Dignity was just starting, Lutherans Concerned didn't exist, Chicago Gay Alliance was beginning to collapse and Horizons not yet begun. If you wanted to meet gay people, you went to bars, baths and bushes. Now there are many organizations and places to meet. Coupledom is on the rise, and there are multiple models for relationships. Some people in the church are sanctioning Blessed Unions. Couples today have a host of new options and a host of new models.

I'm PROUD of the life Doug and I have built together. That life includes the relationship between the two of us, but is also inextricably involved in the life of the church and of the lesbian and gay community. I'm proud of how we have contributed to the growth of options.
What comes in the next fifteen years? God only knows. More changes, more growth, of that I'm sure. If we had kids they'd be just emerging into adulthood. The U.S. is a better place for our lesbian and gay youth now than it was fifteen years ago. How is it going to be in fifteen more years? Will he still love me when he's old and gay? Will he have learned how to do the ironing?

California Supreme Court Says Gay Partners have right to use "Married" to describe their relationships.

The Supreme's did it! They decided that the State Constitution gives people the basic right to form long-term relationships known as marriage. Further that this right applies regardless of sexual orientation. They reject the Attorney General's contention that separate but equivalent (married vs. domestic partnership) terminology is sufficient.

What an amazing thing. I've thought that was logical for years, but finally the court of one of the country's most populated states agrees. Of course the right wing will go nuts on this, arguing that's why we need a constitutional amendment, but I think the logic holds.

"As past cases establish, the substantive right of two adults who share a loving relationship to join together to establish an officially recognized family of their own — and, if the couple chooses, to raise children within that family — constitutes a vitally important attribute of the fundamental interest in liberty and personal autonomy that the California Constitution secures to all persons for the benefit of both the individual and society

Furthermore, in contrast to earlier times, our state now recognizes that an individual’s capacity to establish a loving and long-term committed relationship with another person and responsibly to care for and raise children does not depend
upon the individual’s sexual orientation, and, more generally, that an individual’s sexual orientation — like a person’s race or gender — does not constitute a legitimate basis upon which to deny or withhold legal rights. We therefore conclude that in view of the substance and significance of the fundamental constitutional right to form a family relationship, the California Constitution
properly must be interpreted to guarantee this basic civil right to all Californians, whether gay or heterosexual, and to same-sex couples as well as to opposite-sex couples."

The Court points out that this is a question of civil marriage, not religious marriage. It seems to me that's the key to moving forward on this issue. What rites the various religious want to perform around their relationships should not determine the legal relationship and rights accorded to all (even non-religious) citizens. The churches should stay out of property rights and inheritance rules, and health benefit rules, and stay with questions that apply strictly to their own members...their members relationships with their God and within their community.

Now I recognize that most religions also say something about a believer's relationship to the larger community. And I affirm that. But in a heterogeneous society, with multiple religions, there needs to be a distinction between the specific beliefs and practices of one religion, and the rules the larger community agrees upon.

Therein lies the rub, of course. Where should that line be drawn. But if we say that a specific religion can set the rules, then why not let those Texas polymagmist sects determine how we all should marry. Or maybe Food & Drug laws should be determined by Shiite Muslims. There are good reasons to argue for separation of Church & State. Those christians who try to break down those barriers are in for a rude awakening. As the US becomes more culturally diverse, and whites move into the majority, the separation becomes more important. What about communities that are majority Muslim, or Buddhist, or Hmong, or Pentecostal. Can all students in a Muslim-dominated suburb be required to wear head scarfs to public school? The Xn Right's argument implies that.

But then I seldom see them following their arguments to a logical outcome (at least not an outcome that takes the real multicultural 21st Century into account)

But anyway. I think this is a step forward for the US, in the midst of so many steps backwards.

That said, on the religious front, I don't think any of the local church bodies (except maybe Unitarian and UCC) allow blessed unions as a matter of course. Even the Episcopalians don't do it. So the religious folks here are considerable behind the curve on this one.